whenever i am in my existential lit class, i feel incredibly inadequate. everyone else is able to formulate and articulate important ideas in the context of the books and concepts that we are discussing, but i can't seem to do that. when people get a decent discussion going, i somehow manage to mess it all up, bring up some idea that no one wants to talk about and the conversation falls dead when it comes to me. maybe discussing philiosophies isn't my strength; i've always done well in my english classes and am often the one carrying the conversation. maybe if i just stopped thinking so little of myself, that would help. but i don't know. i don't even feel like contributing because i don't feel smart enough. i am getting an a in the class though; i have gotten a's on all of my essays and quizzes, but it's just within the constraints of actual dialogue that i screw up. my teacher thinks that i'm doing well, but i don't see it.

i decided that i want to be an english major when i get to college, and i think i can pull that off pretty well. but considering the possibilities for having that major, i don't really have much to look forward to. english majors become teachers, authors of critical essays, proofreaders, hold different offices in sales and marketing, and other occupations that i have no interest in. maybe i'll become a college professor. not that i want to teach, really. i just have no idea what i'm going to do with myself, and that's a really scary thought. everyone thinks i'm going to do something so amazing with my life, while i'm worried that i'm just going to end up working in some corporate office in a cubicle with gray and pale walls. i used to want to be a journalist, and then i wanted to be a psychologist. but i'm not sure about that. i love to write, but i'm not active enough in my writing. my poetry and this diary have become increasingly cold and unaffected, and in order to move people with my work, i have to have emotion, which i seem to be lacking currently. maybe i'm not reading enough or getting out of the house enough. i spend lots of time not doing anything at all, but for the best few months i have been constantly tired and have suffered the worst headaches of my life. i don't even know what's wrong with me. i can't begin to figure it out.

this entry is too long. it's not like more than one person reads this anyway.

edit: i'm going to start watching a lot more movies, reading a lot more books, taking many more walks. i need mental stimulation.

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