my best friend paul came back from a school year in france tonight (or last night, rather). i am excited to see him, excited to see how things have changed, and what is the same. so many things are different now, the social structure of the school, the way people dress, teachers, experiences...so much has changed. for some reason, i'm expecting him to look really different, but exactly the same at the same time, you know what i mean? but forgetting all of that complicated stuff, i'm just glad to be able to see him again. it'll be so exciting. we have so much to catch up on.

tuesday is my last day of school. after that i'll be able to officiallly say that i'm a senior. i can't believe in a year, i'm going to be in college, on my own. these past three years have gone by so fast. i can hardly remember freshman year, to be honest. i remember my classes with rachel and how we were virtually inseparable for that whole year. i remember hanging out with the art teachers after school. and stalking a certain mowhawk-wearing poet photographer punk around his neighborhood without his knowledge (with rachel, of course). i guess i remember more about freshman year than i thought. but it just seems really far away, even though it was only three years ago.

it makes me think...will i always live this way. living my life in anticipation of something happening to me that will change me dramatically. make me a better person, more interesting, more lively, more likeable, less despiseable. it's no way to live, the way i sleepwalk through the days. i expect life to just happen to me, not for me to actually go out and find it myself. i need to change my thinking. i need to start caring.

edit: i added a new image to my layout, one that won't fuck up anyone's computer. it's beautiful elliott smith performing. oh, elliott...

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