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don't get excited about anything.
you see, i have this whole thing where i am trying not to get upset about the little things and live for the moment. i am actually trying to do this, to rid my life of silly anxiety and the weight of my lack of self-confidence and sadness. but it's really hard and i am falling into old habits again. my friends tell me that it will be all right, but i can't help thinking that i destroy my chances at living normally with every move i make. they tell me to stop analyzing everything and to not think so much, to let things be, but that's just what i do. i brood and dissect and write (is it too much to ask for this one thing? this is so right, why can't it just happen? why does everything have to turn right back around to my hatred and inadequecy?). i am hating my existence with every part of my being right now. it slows down my mind and my limbs and i feel like i am going to melt into large pools of jelly that leak underground.
i want this to be special. i want this to be for now. i want to appreciate my surroundings. i don't want to be stuck underground.
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